The 10 Types of Runners

I happened upon this article yesterday from Active.com titled, The 10 types of Runners
By Roman Mica, Everyman Triathlon

You should really read the entire article, but here's the abbreviated version (below)

But the real question is, what type of runner are you?

1) The Frightened Dog Swatter
For some unknown reason the frightened dog swatter usually happens to be a woman who runs as if she were under deadly attack by a hell bent pack of tiny snarling Paris Hilton purse dogs....
(read more)

2) The Human Cybertron
Typically the Human Cybertron runs with every possible electronic aid known to man sprouting from every orifice in their sweaty body. I'm amazed that they can even ponder so much data, with so much entertainment plugged into their ears on such a short run. I mean how much distance, speed, altitude, pace, heart rate, calorie, trajectory, target zone, sweat rate, and MP3 data can a person process in a few short hours? ... (read more)

3) The Loud Runner
The Loud Runner is normally a man somewhere between middle age and golden age who's decided that his run will shake the very ground he runs upon.
This man must be a titan of industry because his only goal on the run is to subjugate the very road to his enormous will, and he will do so by pounding it into submission with every step he takes.In order to do this he must spring straight into the air like a started cat and pounce on the earth with every ounce of his weight leaving nothing behind but enormous running shoe prints in the crushed and subjected pavement....(read more)

4) The Desalination Machine
I am most amazed by the Desalination Machine who usually tends to be a woman somewhere between middle age and golden age who has in her lifetime somehow developed the "believe it or not" ability to not sweat. In fact not only does she not sweat, but she's so put together with full make-up and hair that often after the race she'll jump into a cocktail dress and waiting limo to attend this or that red carpet event...(read more)

5) The Salination Machine
Unlike the desalination machine, this slightly portly gentleman started sweating at the pre-race pasta dinner. By the time the race cannon sounds he's already lost 5 pounds of water weight and created enough salt for the Osmond family Thanksgiving dinner.
Runners beware! If he decides to shake it up a little, you'll know what's it is like to be next to a very salty, very big, and very wet shaggy dog....(read more)

6) The High Five Twister
For some unknown reason to me, the High Five Twister is usually a cute and youngish female runner who looks like she wants to high five every other runner that passes her. Typically her elbows are at about (let's call it ear level) and she twists her body 180 degrees with every step she takes. Honestly, it hurts just to watch the High Five Twister run. But not her. Even though she contorts her spine into the begins of a DNA double helix strand, you'd never know it by the huge smile on her face...(read more)

7) The Stink Bomber
Sometimes the pre-race morning meal does not agree with the body in motion. I'm sure in the heat of battle we've all squeezed out a little "poot". But not the Stink Bomber. This guy started farting at the age of one has has since gone to graduate school in the fine art of flatulence.
He's a running toxic obstacle to be avoided at all cost. But the problem is that on the typical crowded marathon course you don't know who he is until it is way too late. By the time you are even aware of the danger, you have been skunked and often you can't even tell who "did it."
Even when you can tell who "did it", you are too focused on trying to just cross the finish line.
Beware: The Stink Bomber is well aware of this fact and he'll use it to spread even more stink bombs along the entire course....(read more)

8) The NBA Pro
Every-so-often a runner is born, and at a tragic and early age his brain gets frazzled, usually by a direct hit to head from a misguided basketball, into making him believe that he is in fact not a runner, but an NBA Pro. Fortunately, these guys, and sometimes even gals, are easy to spot by their uniforms. They tend to favor wearing the full NBA gear over their running gear. Because of this early and tragic childhood accident, they always wear the long basketball shorts over their running shorts....(read more)

9) Doctor 90210
Doctor 90210 is almost always a women of that certain age (read well above 30) who has the slender hips of a 15-year-old (I suspect from all of that running) but the enhanced big boobs of a Hollywood Starlet wanna-be....(read more)

10) The Gazelle and the Sloth
These two animals are almost never seen together in the wild, but you'll see them at every marathon, in every city of the world. Somehow they strangely compliment each other. They are the yin and yang of the running world. The Gazelle boldly bounds straight up into the air with every springy step. Image Micheal Jordon on cocaine, steroids and with a bee in his shorts.
The Sloth shuffles along lifting his or her feet about an ant's toenail length above the ground.
And here's where the most incredible miracle of all marathons takes place. Some call it divine intervention and see God's wry sense of humor, while others point to the shadow of Darwin and millennium of evolution at play. But this does not take away in the slightest from the Miracle of the Marathon: as both the Gazelle and the Sloth cross the finish line in the exact same time.

** Remember, read the entire article for the longer descriptions before you make your decision! :)

Have a spectacular weekend!!!

with love,
A High Five Twister