Did you ever feel broken? Like an aged, run down, lesser version of your old unstoppable self? I've never been one to buy into the idea of feeling sorry for yourself. I mean, where does it get you? But feeling like your options are limited, your resources are restricted and you basically just can't fix yourself is such a horrible feeling. I don't want to be filed away with the quitters or sent to the mysterious island of misfit toys, but finding yourself in this type of predicament and working to redefine yourself is so incredibly challenging. It use to be so easy being me. ;)
Having recently given birth to my first child, part of me thinks that I should be elated with joy over the new role of motherhood. And that this joy should trump any disappointment, fears other ("selfish") short comings. I mean, who needs to work to redefine themselves when they relentlessly keep trying to get their infant son to respond to, "mama"? Don't get me wrong, my son is the most important thing in my life right now and that does bring me great joy. But I can't help but long for, at the very least, the time I thought I didn't have prior to being a parent. I would do so much with this minimal time. Hindsight is.. well, need I say it? Being a parent doesn't directly relate back to being "broken" but in many ways has created a huge obstacle in my redefining efforts. Having a child just threw another 5mth/20lb/26inch (and growing fast!) element into the mix.
You may be wondering, where is she going with all of this? Patience! I'm getting there.
Transitions are tough, yet each and every one of us has to go through them. They keep us on our toes and challenge us to redefine how we perceive ourselves, our environments -- our lives. Through most of my transitions, I have always looked for what I would best describe as "angels". I'm not an overly religious person, but I do very much believe in human kindness and
following rainbows (in the figurative sense ;) ). Overall, I would say I've been rather lucky in life and have been fortunate to be surrounded by fantastic friends, been offered wonderful opportunities, found love, found love again and experienced great adventures. I also now have a son who is so beautiful that I often find myself wondering how (again) I got to be this lucky. I could never have done it alone. I have met many "angels".
Through the ups and downs of life, though all of my life transitions to date, I can't say that I always had a clear sense of purpose. Most of the time, I don't. I try my best to take the good with the bad. After all, as my mama told me, "that's just life: it's both good and bad". When things are tough, I break down but ultimately remind myself, tomorrow is a new day. But there's just this one hurdle that I can't seem to surmount, one transition that has me feeling stuck, one predicament for which I can't find the right "angel". And that is the issue of the physical pain that has been plaguing me for the past four years and has stopped me from training/racing. FOUR YEARS! Has it honestly been that long? I have to fight tears thinking about it.
The positive outcomes of this crap situation is that I have become a stronger swimmer, I really enjoy cycling and power yoga rocked my pre-parenthood world. But now, five months postpartum (and five pounds lighter than I before I got knocked up - go me!), I want nothing more than to take my 45mins of me time and hit the pavement. However I find myself in more pain now than I was right before getting preggo. More pain that I was when I was carrying around 30 lbs of extra weight. The pain has tightened up my entire left side of my body, from my left sesamoid to left neck. I want it to disappear. I want to get back out there. I want to not feel (physically) broken.
As a competitive athlete and fire sign, I pride myself on my passion. My college coach once sat me down and told me I would never be as talented as some of the "stars" on our team, but that I had a lot of HEART. Some people would have taken offense to this "Rudy" type of pep-talk, but I take pride in the fact that I put my heart in to what I do. And the best way to fire me up is to tell me that I can't do something or that I'll never be the star. I PR-ed in most of my events that year.
